So I've endured the testing. And then some.

We've all heard this verse time and time again. Those who are put through trials and survive are later blessed by God.

But anyone else feel like giving up right smack in middle when it hurts the most. Like why do I have to go through this? It almost feels like some sort of punishment! And all of this for what?

I'll admit... I've been there! I've gotten mad at God for blessing others and not me! I would question Him. "What did I do to deserve this?! I didn't cheat on him! I didn't steal! I helped them out! I did the right thing!" In fact, I felt like I went above and beyond. I stuck around. I cried the tears with you. I made every sacrifice you asked me to. And then I did it again and again. I felt the pain. I suffered with you.

That was me. Many-a-times. But particularly, 8-months ago. When my fiancé told me he couldn't marry me anymore. And no, it wasn't for another woman. He just decided I wasn't the one anymore. I didn't understand. I still don't understand. But I immediately took blame for it all - I felt like I failed him. I felt like I could've done better so he wouldn't leave me.

And oh did I get mad at God. I wanted to run so far from Him for hurting me. I wanted to do anything I could to hurt Him and hurt everyone in my life. I was so mad at everyone and everything! I don't understand - I gave up so much for him. I gave up a great job. And then I did it again. I moved across the country for him. And then I did that again. I did things for him I told myself I would never do. And did most of that again... and again. Only to end up with a heart so broken, so destroyed.

But what I failed to realize is, I failed my Father. I failed my God. There are better decisions I could've made, one's the Lord called me to do that could've prevented all this hurt. I failed to realize that he makes us wait, and he disciplines us not to hurt us - but to protect us. And so this was my test. My God took it all away. But not to punish or hurt me. And it certainly felt like that at first. It felt like it was all unfair.

When I took a look at my life and the decisions I made leading up to this point, it all made sense. The Lord gave me the freedom to choose to live a life without Him. And boy was it fun... I sure did get as much as our extremely generous salaries could afford. And then some. And all it did was get me - my head, my heart, and my soul - into a hot mess. It broke me and shattered me to the depths of my soul.

But because of His redeeming love, I was saved. And it's through delving into God's word each and every day that I am able to continue on living life each day. In the right way. Learning to love and respect all of God's creation.

So now when temptation - a fancy vacation, or a hot guy, or a shot of tequila, or a "YOLO" chance - comes along, I know it's a test. And it's an easy way back into the life that broke me. So I choose differently. I choose patience. I choose Christ. Because only through this choice will I find peace.

always,